I learned that my car accident, the loss of my jobs, the break up with a man who meant a great deal to me and my inability to handle that triple threat of nasty, was merely a symptom of a much deeper problem.

As I’ve often told you, we see,m to be twin sisters of different mothers. Perhaps we had mothers that were/are quite similiar. I was raised by a spineless father and an incredibly cruel narcissistic mother. My sisters and I were hit, slapped, pinched, kicked, whipped and called ‘worthless, lazy good for nothing three toed sloths that will never amount to a hill of beans’. My father often read the paper in silence as this was happening. He didn’t defend us. We had no support system. Mother never nurtured us and there was no way to win her approval. We were punished for failing and ignored for winning.

That said, you’re right. When your core growth period as a child is thrust into incessant turmoil and because your parents are your first real connection to the real world and adults, all you know is what you know. It’s beggage you carry from

I couldn’t agree with you more regarding conquering horrific experiences alone. I’ve known a handful of people who say they were able to do solo. I admire the people who can escape from cruel and intolerable childhoods and emerge as healthy adults. But that’s not the case for most of us. Therefore, as adults, we operate within in the perameters of what’s familiar. Those “parent tapes” that play in a continuous loop in our psyches remind us that we’ve always been “three toed sloths”. The paradigm shift needed to repair the psychic wounds is not easy to come by, but ultimately, vital that we achieve it.

I would be remiss if I don’t tell you what a stunning writer you are. I come here to break away from brevity to get my “instrospection on”.

LK

We’re twin daughters of different mothers.

LK

I didn’t know how angry I was until recently.

Now that the boil is lanced, the pimple is popped you have to cope with the refuse pouring out. There is a great amount of adjustment involved in this. For me, at least, insight is permament. the minute I have it, the paradigm shift is fully engaged. Even so, to be in this situation requires more adjectives than in my vocabulary. Consequently, insight is great to have; but not always easy to process.

That’s where I am; sounds like you’re there, too. Best of luck to you and yes, keep striving to “get there” and this too, will pass.

Your writing continues to be deep and abiding and a true testament to your strength.

Best,
LK

cheers, Openly.

We are all fragile souls, some more brittle than others, yet we still want what our hearts want. Can;t help it..we are hardwired to couple…gay, straight…doesn’t matter.

But you know what I’m figuring out in my ripe old age Baby Girl???? That there is no such thing as unconditional love. Not even in the animal community. A healthy person cannot and will not love someone without fail. If I’m betrayed by my paramour if he physically hits me, I will not love him. Even dogs and cats cower and hide from their abusers.

Secondly, as you well know intimate relationships don’t always include physicality. It’s mostly about communication, anyway.

And think about this: Why is it that we can forgive our friends for their physical and emotional foibles and frailties, but when we sleep with someone..we might even love them, we’re less forgiving?

I’m talking about the guy who forbids his girlfriend from gaining weight. The woman who loves her partner but can’t stand her buck teeth or the moles on her neck.

Perhaps if we explored the idea of a solid, platonic friendship based relationship as opposed to “hello, let’s fuck..I love you”, perhaps that would work? This philosophy has changed my life. I’m so much more forgiving of my boyfriend for being human and in fact, I find his weaknesses and physical issues even more endearing because they’re part of him…the man whom I love dearly as a friend first and foremost!!

You’re right..relationships are energy exerting. They’re grinding and tedious and difficult and exasperating and completely life affirming and wonderful when we allow them to be. You might want to be in a relationship and all that that entails, but your fears and concerns; the ones you voice here that have their genus deeply rooted within you are telling you that you’re not ready.

You’ve got more to deal with in your own backyard. Take care of that and the rest will follow. Trust me–and I don’t wanna get all Oprah on you–but the Universe has a way of knowing when the time is right.

What I’m trying to say in this rant my Sister, is that relationships don’t come along and cure our problems. Rather, WE cure our problems first and in doing so, we become ready and emotionally capable of entering into and real, healthy and gratifying relationships.

It is true that relationships aren’t easy, but the *real* work comes before we ever enter into them.

Take care,
LK

I know it is really hard, trying to define your own sense of success. I would say I can’t believe your mother said that, but I heard it too. And disease processes are expert at screwing us up. About par with mothers, I might say.

Balance is possible, they say. If you figure it all out, let me know. I am lost too! :’)

While the angel on my shoulder congratulates me for kindly demuring and not taking advantage of these men by entering into a dating situation with no prospects, the devil has always been there to remind me how it feels to have another body in the bed and to cuddle on the couch and watch movies with someone who is not your five year old nephew or be the “single” at every get together. I fear I may soon crack.

A heartfelt congratulations on this journey of self discovery. I’ve been seeking my authentic self for years. Right now, I believe I am an amalgam of many things…all exponential of me. I now also find that I’m refining what they exponents are. I’m corraling my selves, as it were.

So are you.

Good luck. Seriously. Awareness is an incredible lightness of being associated with it.

I pray you experience that soon.

All the best,
Laurie Kendrick