Okay, so life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. And the movies and TV shows we’re raised on are less about real life than they are escapes from it. What would a movie about real life look like? It would be awfully slow.
I don’t know that it’s real lfe I’m interested in seeing, so much as a serene way to approach whatever it brings us. Someone in a meeting yesterday quoted her pastor, who is apparently in one of the 12-step programs, and he said “serenity is not finding freedom from the storm, it is finding calm during the storm.” I think some of that calm comes from the belief that we are not existentially alone, that there is a Higher Power there to guide and care for us, and sometimes I feel sure of that, others I don’t. Part of life in my family was a sense of feeling – and often being – very much alone. Not alone in terms of basic needs – clothing, shelter, food – but in terms of not being known or seen or particularly liked. It occurred to me last night that I’ve only once had a sense of being surrounded by “my people,” when I was at a summer college program in high school. We were all so excited to be together, piled on beds stroking each other’s hair and talking and talking, watching “Harold and Maude” and crying, and I felt for the first time like I truly fit in. Being gay contributed to the lack of that feeling, for sure – I’m such an incredibly affectionate person, tickle my skin or stroke my hair and I will never tire of it – and I was afraid to be close with other girls from a very early age, though I couldn’t have put my finger on why at the time. Only now am I much more comfortable with affection, much more inclined to give and receive hugs. But I still don’t have “my people.” They’re not in academia. They’re not my biological family, for sure. My sponsor feels like my people, but she may be the only one. Is having that group around whom one can be totally authentic a myth? Is the authenticity something I need to seek from within myself, knowing that if I’m comfortable with myself, I can be at home with anyone? Is this again where the HP relationship comes into play? I am constantly reminded that needing anyone should always be followed up by those Sting lyrics – set them free. Needing someone is a set-up for dependency, for expectations, for anger, whereas being grateful for someone but knowing I will be okay without them…detachment? Zen concepts of non-attachment? Where is the middle path, the tenuous pull between that sanctified notion of family, which requires dependence and specialness; and spiritual health, which demands a level of detachment and reliance only on ourselves and a power greater than we are? Why is my head so busy with all this?
