I’m full of both today. What sucks about wisdom/insight is that, once you have it, you can’t really ignore it or pretend you don’t know about it. Yestarday was a really tough day for me emotionally, which is generally what makes it hard physically if it’s going to be, and at the end of it I was getting hungry and decided I was going to take myself out to dinner. Nice gesture, but I’m sitting in my therapy session, literally fantasizing about this meal I’m going to have – I find myself weaving in and out of conversation presence as I’m thinking about panchan, and squid in hot pepper sauce, how it’s going to look when they bring it to the table, and am I really going to go to Han Bat or should I try someplace closer even if I’m not as familiar with it? I brought myself back enough for the session to be somewhat productive, but when I did finally get to the restaurant and the food was brought to my table, I realized something. This food, no matter how perfect, how delicious, was absolutely not going to sate the hunger going on inside me, and for that reason I knew I’d likely overeat and then feel all full of self-loathing and shame for my distended belly and my percieved lack of will power. I’m reading Caroline Knapp’s “Appetites: What Women Want” and hope to hear further insights from her on this issue, but it was a major epiphany for me right there in the moment to realize my efforts to anaesthetize with food, with anything external for that matter, but particularly with food. I’ve been using it to those attempted ends probably since I hit puberty, so I don’t know why at this moment it became so clear to me – no different than the cigarette someone smokes or the slug from a drink someone takes right after a stressful event.
So here I am, left with the knowledge that no retail therapy, no imbibed or consumed substance is going to help me with my current inner state of teeth-gnashing. So what do I do? Sit in the discomfort? Know that this too shall pass and bide my time? I’m attending Al-Anon meetings though maybe not as many as I should, and I’m aware life is a little stressful now for a combination of reasons so banal as to really be unworth the document space to list. When we realize we need to turn to something not on the outside, is that when we look deeper for something on the inside? Is that where prayer and meditation come in?
You’re so right about insight. Your life..or rather your view of life..changes significantly once you become aware of the situation and of course, the feelings. That’s been my problem all of my life–really feeling the feeling and not allowing childhood traumas to dictate response to certain feelings.
I didn’t know how angry I was until recently.
Now that the boil is lanced, the pimple is popped you have to cope with the refuse pouring out. There is a great amount of adjustment involved in this. For me, at least, insight is permament. the minute I have it, the paradigm shift is fully engaged. Even so, to be in this situation requires more adjectives than in my vocabulary. Consequently, insight is great to have; but not always easy to process.
That’s where I am; sounds like you’re there, too. Best of luck to you and yes, keep striving to “get there” and this too, will pass.
Your writing continues to be deep and abiding and a true testament to your strength.
Best,
LK